Wednesday, October 23, 2013

pediatric board woes, in verse

'Twas the night before Boards Day,
And all through the nation.
Newly minted pediatricians
Are howling in frustration.

We're all studied out!
We can't take one more day
Of PREP, or Zitelli,

What might be making
A child too thin?
Burning too many calories
Or not taking enough in?

Heart failure? Or cystic
Fibrosis?  Or Crohn's?
Or cancer that started
In the marrow of his bones?

(He's probably simply 
Not eating enough.
But you have to rule out
All the scarier stuff.)

What hormones - and when -
Cause the pubertal stages?
And what problems could make them
Happen at the wrong ages?

What vitamin deficiencies
Might present with bleeding?
And what are the foods
That she hasn't been eating?

If a kid has fatigue and
Submandibular bumps,
If the question says "unvaccinated,"
He might have the mumps.

Or it could be TB, cat scratch,
Mono, or strep.
The question wants to know,
"What's your next step?"

There are a thousand kinds
Reviewing them sends us
Spiraling into depression.

Metabolic diseases?
Don't even go there.
Is it Hunter's? Or Tay-Sach's?

This toddler's gotten into the meds
For grandma's ills --
Her aspirin, Zoloft, or 
Metoprolol pills!

In real life, the main step
In achieving my goal
Would be:  pick up the phone
And dial Poison Control.

If a child's intubated,
What would you do
If he had too little oxygen
Or too much CO2?

Blood in the urine--
What's the reason why?
Or just a UTI?

And developmental milestones?
Don't even start.
Does it matter what age child
Can draw a person with five parts?

At least it'll soon be over.
The day is almost here.
(Unless of course you fail.
Then there's always next year!)

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