pediatric board woes, in verse

'Twas the night before Boards Day,

And all through the nation.

Newly minted pediatricians

Are howling in frustration.

We're all studied out!

We can't take one more day

Of PREP, or Zitelli,

Or Laughing Your Way.

What might be making

A child too thin?

Burning too many calories

Or not taking enough in?

Heart failure? Or cystic

Fibrosis?  Or Crohn's?

Or cancer that started

In the marrow of his bones?

(He's probably simply 

Not eating enough.

But you have to rule out

All the scarier stuff.)

What hormones - and when -

Cause the pubertal stages?

And what problems could make them

Happen at the wrong ages?

What vitamin deficiencies

Might present with bleeding?

And what are the foods

That she hasn't been eating?

If a kid has fatigue and

Submandibular bumps,

If the question says "unvaccinated,"

He might have the mumps.

Or it could be TB, cat scratch,

Mono, or strep.

The question wants to know,

"What's your next step?"

There are a thousand kinds

Of immunosuppression.

Reviewing them sends us

Spiraling into depression.

Metabolic diseases?

Don't even go there.

Is it Hunter's? Or Tay-Sach's?

Or Menke's Kinky Hair?

This toddler's gotten into the meds

For grandma's ills --

Her aspirin, Zoloft, or 

Metoprolol pills!

In real life, the main step

In achieving my goal

Would be:  pick up the phone

And dial Poison Control.

If a child's intubated,

What would you do

If he had too little oxygen

Or too much CO2?

Blood in the urine--

What's the reason why?

Glomerulonephritis?

Or just a UTI?

And developmental milestones?

Don't even start.

Does it matter what age child

Can draw a person with five parts?

At least it'll soon be over.

The day is almost here.

(Unless of course you fail.

Then there's always next year!)